Feelings!

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So what’s up with me for the past few weeks?

Really nothing, I’ve been doing such senseless things, and i’m wanting to quit the school stuffs,because it sucks,i’m not happy and I don’t want it anymore, but guess what I’m still here doing all of this stuff for the sake of that fucking diploma! I’m only 2 years away from wearing that “Black Toga” yet, I don’t find it exciting and all, I don’t feel like it’s worth it, I just feel that it is needed,(needed to be worn). I keep on asking myself What’s next? What will happen 2 years from now? Will I be doing this same old stuffs or will I be doing the different one? I don’t know! I really don’t know.

I remember when I first enter college, I always knew what will happened next, I always knew where to go or where to stand. I have plans, I have wants (senseful wants), I have dreams to catch and goals to finish, but after being on this ‘BIG WAVES’ (as I call it) that ruined everything in my life, everything changes. Before, I go to school because I love to do it, I’ve been wanting to do it, but now I go to school because  I have to. Before, I have this plans,dreams, and goals to reach, but now I don’t have anything in mind, but just this words: “Finish that fucking school stuffs, so you don’t have to go to school anymore”. I don’t get plans, I don’t catch dreams and I don’t set goal because, I just don’t know what to plan anymore, I’m tired of dreaming, and I can’t see any goals to set.

Yes, I know I ruined my future, I ruined not just mine but my family’s also,but what can I do? I don’t find things worth fighting anymore, having you’re heart broken for a hundred times, it’s not easy (broken in a way of life not about boys). It’s very hard to stand up and fight, i’m tired and i’m quitting already, YES! I’m only 21, but i’m quitting already, YES! you’re right I’m not a fighter definetely not a dreamer anymore. I am really nothing, nothing but a disappointment to the family, nothing but a bad ass daughter.

So I’m done, I’m done asking questions like: What will happen next? What to do or where to stand or do I deserve this or don’t I?

I don’t want to think about anything about life. I don’t want to plan anymore, I don’t want to dream and I don’t want to set goals, I’m just going to let it be, let my life be whatever it wanted to be.

I know I’m being selfish with my decisions and I know God’s been crying for my choices, he’s crying because I don’t trust him enough that he can help me, I know he’s sad because I lose faith. I don’t know, I actually didn’t lose my faith in him, I lose my faith with myself. I still trust him , I just don’t trust myself anymore. It’s funny that I can say that I still have trust and faith in him, but I don’t have some for mine. Well I’m actually giving mine to his, let him be the one to take over with this life, i’ll just go with whatever he wanted to do. I won’t think of something (senseless nor senseful). I’m tired and I quit.

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So this is what I’ve been this past few weeks. I’ve been wondering about all the stuffs in life, I’ve been doing mistakes over and over again i’m guilty but I don’t care, (I’m so heartless). I don’t take advises because I don’t want someone to tell me I’m wrong because I knew I am. I don’t want to commit in everything in life because, I know i’ll just quit, I don’t want anything that will make me happy, because I don’t think I deserve it, I don’t want love to come because, I don’t think I can face it, I don’t want them to know because, I don’t want them to got hurt (though I’m hurting them already). I don’t want to fight because, I know that i’ll be quitting real soon, I don’t want to dream because, I don’t know what to dream anymore, I don’t want to plan because, I know that I’m just going to ruined it, I don’t want to set a goal because, I know I won’t be able to try harder to reach for it, I just wanted to write this feelings down, so I can still manage to fake a smile, so I can fake the feelings, so I can lie with my situation, so I can be the best liar the universe will ever had, so I can be the strongest (sa paningin nila), so I can manage to look at the mirror without even cursing myself and without even planning on stabbing myself to death, and most specially so I can live to die.

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How my feelings can change from bored to tired? I don’t know, maybe it’s in my way of thinking. I know I always ruined everything because I overthink a lot, but I don’t know how to control it, and I’m not planning to control it, just let it be.

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And that picture above says what am I going to feel if they find out that i’m having this issues all by myself.


I didn’t write for a long time because I thought I can manage to not to express it, but guess what I’m flooding my twitter feeds of my thoughts and still I don’t feel the satisfaction, I don’t feel that I’m free from all my dramas and issues in life, so I decided to put up this blog update, to lessen the pain, the burden and that heavy feelings, I know writing is my outlet and this is where I am being my 100% me, no lying and no faking, just being expressive without being judge by others, and being real without being scolded.

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I just really can’t believe that I have all this stuffs in mind waiting to be written in a piece of paper.

-end

ctto of the images.

 

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